The Invention of Snark*

There used to be a movie review show on the Disney Channel by kids for kids. I don’t recall the name, and I don’t even remember watching it that often, but one review has stood out in my mind all these years, as clear as if I had watched it yesterday.

The movie they were reviewing was called “Amazing Grace and Chuck“. If you haven’t heard of it, that’s OK – based on the review the kids gave it, it was not memorable. It was about a young boy (Chuck) who is befriended by a professional basketball player (Amazing Grace). Together, they decide to stop nuclear proliferation. Very late-1980s socially conscious stuff.

After panning it for being too simplistic and too saccharine in its message, they showed a clip where Chuck was talking to an adult about alarming speech. The adult gives Chuck the old chestnut, “You can’t yell out ‘fire’ in a crowded theater.” Chuck retorts, “But, sir, what if there actually is a fire?”

The show then cuts back to one of the kid reviewers who, in a mocking voice, repeats the line: “But, sir, what if there actually is a fire?” This is the moment that has stuck out so clearly in my mind for so many years, and I think I’ve finally figured out why. That was my first exposure to snark. I didn’t like it. I still don’t.

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Proud To Be An American?

I’m in an unusually impatient, cranky-assed mood today, and this post from one of my oldest friends ain’t doin’ much to cheer me up.

The last paragraph sounds tacked on, but it’s actually the basis for the whole argument. The gist is this – Jamie lives in the U.S. and is a born-in U.S. citizen. Tanya lives in the U.K. and is a born-in U.K. citizen. They met at a scout camp in the U.S. several years ago and, over the course of a wacky relationship (and, really, what relationship isn’t), they fell in love. But, in all that time, they’ve never been able to spend more than a few months together at a stretch because of both the U.K.’s and U.S.’s immigration laws. But they’re so in love that they want to be married. This would actually solve the problem – whether Jamie moved to the U.K. or Tanya moved here, their legal marriage would ensure that the foreigner in the relationship would have citizenship rights.

One catch – Jamie and Tanya are both women. And in both the U.S. and the U.K., gay marriage is illegal. The answer? Go to Canada, where gay marriage is legal, but they will both become foreigners.

Lame. So very, very lame and backwards. That these two have to leave their home countries so that they can live their lives normally is beyond absurd to me. The gay marriage debate has detractors in both the straight and gay communities – many straight folks feel it weakens the insitution of marriage (speaking as a married guy – two years next Tuesday – that’s a crock of shit. Britney Spears and husband number one have done WAY more to desecrate the sanctity of marriage than any gay couple every will). Many gay folks feel that the traditional concept of marriage is, like, too straight and that being married that way is like succumbing to “the man”. They want something that’s different in name and tradition but similar in concept.

Traditional marriage, I think, is irrelevant here. There are really two kinds of marriage – the religious kind (get married in a church before God and your family; promise to stay together according to some church doctrine) and the civil kind (you are legally bound to share your finances, household and future; doesn’t matter who marries you). The latter kind supercedes the former in the U.S. It grants you special rights, like the aforementioned citizenship to foreigners who marry U.S. citizens. It also determine property rights – should I pass, my wife get’s all of my worldly posessions by default. She also is automatically granted my power of attorney in case something happens to disable me from acting on my own behalf. This is appropriate as we share a home, a life and a bed together, so she should be able to act in my best interests better than anyone else.

So, if Jamie and Tanya were able to live together for an extended period of time, share a household, share their life, etc. why should they not also have the same legal rights my wife and I enjoy by virtue of our marriage? What if we called the legal doctrines of marriage something like, oh, I dunno, “Domestic Partnership” and let the religious folks keep the actual concept of marriage to themselves? Like, you can legally be declared a domestic partner by obtaining a “domestic partnership license” (replacing the current “marriage license”), etc., and have a judge or justice of the peace read you your marriage rights. If you then later deicde to do the religious marriage thing, no worries – you’re covered on both counts. After all, the only thing that desecrates a legal domestic partnership is the termination of that partnership. IF MArriage is something defined as the union between a man and a woman, fine – let the church handle that. If homosexuals prefer to call it something other than “Marriage”, so be it. What matters is the rights conferred to the couple in question – nothing more, nothing less.

I’m, of course, being naive here. This seems like a perfectly logical answer to the problem, but it presupposes two things – that church and state are separate (they are not; they may never be) and the folks who make such decisions have nothing to lose by allowing this (they do, in the form of tax revenues and the extra cost big businesses must incur by increasing their partner benefits by a roughly Kinseyan 10 percent).

It is dumb, discriminatory, unconstitutional and flat-out un-American to deny domestic partnership rights to any couple, gay or straight, who has publicly declared that they are intending to partner for life. That I am straight and married to a woman makes me no more capable of keeping my marriage strong than any other couple in the world, as the 50 percent divorce rate in this country can attest. But, while the Christian Right will continue to discriminate and blaspheme over this (there’s a long, long history of failing to “love they neighbor”, “hate the sin, not the sinner” and “do unto to others as you’d have done to you”) and claim that Gay Marriage destroys the concepts of marriage, keep in mind that it’s all a self-righteous smokescreen. It’s about the money and the fact that the folks in power will see a profit drop if such laws are passed. Money is always the deciding factor – God is just an excuse.

Until these laws are changed, the U.S. will continue to lose good, productive, intelligent and, above all, completely decent people who can not enjoy the inalienable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness that this country was founded to defend. I know of too many gay couple who have stronger relationships than most straight couples I know – my own father has been remarried and divorced no fewer than four times! Many of the gay couples I know have also adopted and raised kids – bright, strong children who are well on their way to being productive contributors to this nation. But, more and more, we’ll see such families leave and go where they’ll receive the respect they deserver. It’s not the main reason for the apparent dumbing of America, but it’s certainly a contributing factor. Canada is better off for our prejudices. They’re going to get Jamie and Tanya, who, once they can get past all the crap their respective countries have put them through, will no doubt happily live what was once considered “the American Dream” under the shadow of the maple leaf. Idiot America, indeed.

Trick or Tweaked

So, to expand upon my wife’s post-Halloween entry, we had bupkiss as far as trick or treaters last night. We got home at about 6pm, turned on the lights, put our bowl of candy right next to the front door and eagerly waited. I kept thinking I saw a flash outside the front door window and Dani kept thinking she heard the shuffle of tiny feet up our walkway, but all for naught.

Admittedly, we live in a weird place. Our tiny court is right off a major artery through Concord on which there are few sidewalks (it’s the older part of town), though we did see a handful of brave T & Ters and their parents facing the traffic. Our street has no lamlights, which can make it eerily dark. Add to this the fact that our untrimmed hedges are, like, ten feet tall all around the front of our property, and I suppose I can understand why no one dared take a walk on the wild side with us.

On the plus side, no one walked on my lawn. Keeping those damned kids off my lawn is why I agreed to buy the house. And the shotgun. But, next year, I really want trick or treaters. To attract them, I’ll trim the hedges and then create an amazing Halloween Extravaganza in our front yard, complete with creepy headstones, eyes that peer from the bushes and, if I’m especially crafty, some nifty special effects. Maybe that’ll attract them. I mean, what’s the point of having all of that land if you can’t tart it up once or twice a year?

A Spy in the House of Bush

I post this not only because it’s an amazing breach into our government’s inner sanctum, which one would theorize in this brave new world of terrorists lapping at our doorsteps should be the safest, most secure building in all the land, but because it, like many of the posts on this blog, gave me a chance to use a vague Simpsons reference [mp3 link] in the subject line.

I’m a petty, simple-minded man.

Pilipinos are spying on you as you read this. Be aware.

Freed From the Tyranny of TV Guide!

Babble gogle dindle tok BOUGHT TIVO LAST NIGHT! Tiggle dag drool sphit FREAKIN’ AMAZING! Jagle sneh bahble beh NOW A FREAKIN’ CULT MEMBER! Zapf newt spittle BABBLING IDIOT!

Ah, Tivo. Friend, confidant… secret lover.

Should Have Studied Harder

Most folks know that I entered the University of California at Berkeley with the intent of becoming a mechanical engineer. I had two significant problems that eventually led to my dropping out of the College of Engineering and, ultimately, pursuing a degree in “Journalism” (actually American Studies, but since we had no undergrad journalism degree, and Mass Comm seemed lame, I made one up and took a bunch of grad-level journalism classes). The first was the lack of practical application of the knowledge learned in the classroom. It’s all fine and well to perform a titration or derive a function, but without seeing the why it’s completely useless to me. I have little patience for such useless knowledge, so I didn’t spend as much time studying it or paying attention in class. The second reason was simply my narrow mind having a hard time balancing classroom education with the life education I was getting from being away from my parents and out on “my own” for the first time. College is a nice transitional period between living with one’s parents and dealing with the real world, and I was far more interested in the education I was getting outside of class than in it.

But here it is just six years later and some of the cutting-edge things I saw as an engineer are finally hitting the light of day. For instance, I’ve been hearing a lot about this “Aerogel” stuff that was developed a while back but is now seeing some real applications. When I was an ME student, I took the standard class on materials. They took us into the materials lab one day and took out a small 1×1 inch share piece of… stuff. They told us it was almost as light and dense as air and about as expensive to make as a Ferrari. Then they proceeded to pass it around, prodding us to be delicate with it.

When they dropped it into my hand, I could barely feel it, it was so amazingly light. It sort of feels like Styrofoam when you rub your nail against it. And, man, is it brittle — I accidentally broke of a very small chunk in the process of playing with it. At the time, they were still working on practical applications of the stuff. Certainly, an almost light-as-air material would be immensely useful in various industries, particularly aerospace, but it was so damn brittle that it had no structural use. Now they use it to trap space dust and the like without adding any significant weight to the spacecraft. Very, very nifty.

The tech world was also recently abuzz about a robotic exoskeleton being produced at UC Berkeley. What’s kind of cool about this to me is that I actually helped work on that thing to a very teeny, tiny degree way back when I was just a freshman. During engineering orientation, I got to tour the mechanical engineering labs at Etcheverry Hall. One of the labs we toured was Homayoon Kazerooni’s lab. He was interested in designing machines that enhanced human abilities. There’s a special name for the field that escapes my mind at the moment.

I was blown away by what I saw. When I dreamed of engineering school, I dreamed of cool, futuristic things like robotics and computer-generated images and all the normal whiz-bang scifi stuff. His lab was the only one I had seen that had all that in spades. I had read somewhere that the best way to get involved in an engineering project was to just walk in, find the professor in charge and ask if there was an opening. A couple of weeks after the tour, I did just that.

Prof. Kazerooni was a very cool guy. He knew I had zero knowledge – hell, I was just a freshman – but also saw that I had a strong desire to do cool things. So he gave me a volunteer position as the “Lab Manager”. As Lab Manager, it was my task to make sure everything was clean and organized so that the grad students could easily find what they needed and not have to work in a messy lab. That’s right: he made me a glorified janitor. I knew it right from the start and was a tad crestfallen at first, but then I realized that, hey, we all have to start somewhere and both he and the grad students were truly cool folks who were often more than happy to show me how certain things worked and such.

One of the cool things they had was large hydraulic robotic arm. It had tons of thick tubes connecting it to some spot in the wall that, I assume, was where the hydraulic pump was located. One of the grads told me to be especially careful when working around it as severing one of the tubes could send out water under enough pressure to pierce skin.

One day as I was organizing the taps in that lab, one of the grads tried to log into the computer controlling the arm. For some reason, the computer kept asking for all of the necessary BIOD information every time it was rebooted — what hard drives are installed, what type of video card, etc. (this was before plug-and-play was common, so everything had to be entered by hand). Usually, you’d do this the first time you install the machine then never have to deal with it again. As I listened to him swear and complain, I casually turned around and said, “You need to replace the BIOS battery – it’s dead.” The computer – a Gateway – used a rechargeable 9-volt battery to maintain BIOS state between boots. The battery had apparently run out of juice, probably because it had been a long while since anyone had turned on the computer. I recommended they keep the computer on over night and the problem would be fixed. Failing that, they’d have to buy a new 9-volt rechargeable and pop it in.

Sure enough, that fixed the problem. Prof. Kazerooni, hearing about all this, immediately promoted me to computer guy. He wanted me to sit down with the grad students to learn everything I could about the arm so that I could learn to program it. He also wanted me to learn C. I was elated. I spent some time debugging some of the code the grads had already written, learned how to solder circuits and some other general, basic stuff. It was amazing.

Unfortunately, my grades were slipping and it was looking more and more like the whole ME thing just wasn’t going to work out for me. Eventually, I just stopped going to the lab altogether as I tried to get my academic act in order. When I was asked to leave the college, I was stunned and heartbroken. Eventually, everything worked out and, here I am, being the computer geek I always was and making a decent penny at it.

At the time, all that stuff was cool, but I couldn’t really see where it would all go. Now, every time I hear about something like Aerogel, nanotechnology or robotic suits and how very cutting edge it all is, I think back to the fact that all this was happening at Cal when I was a freshman and sophomore. It must have been absolute bleeding edge then. I never really realized that I was standing next to the forefront of technology. Well, at least I have my stories to tell.

LIFE IS GOOD!!!

I’m about two weeks past my annual “State of the Rob” address, but I’ll get to it. And those of you who have sent me email and haven’t heard a damn thing from me, I apologize. Got a lot going on right now and all of it is tres magnifique. Here’s a quick roundup:

  • NEW JOB!!!!! – Yes, no more listening to me bitch about that dark hole of depression known as The Academy of Art College. I now work for the tremendously wonderful, and appallingly tiny, Robert Anthony Strategic Marketing and Design as a <GASP> Internet Marketer. No, I don’t do spam, just friendly opt-in informational emails and client web sites. I’m in week three and I friggin’ love it. Slightly better pay, WAY more responsibility (I am *the* computer guy) and a terrific bunch of co-workers. Love it, love it, love it.
  • STILL MARRIED!!! – I’m not sure I’d call it marital bliss per se, but I’m definitely more in love every day. And, with the gigantic weight of the AAC off my shoulders, I’m realizing more and more what I’ve neglected. So here’s to me trying to work harder on my relationship with my beloved. She’s a hottie.
  • WE’RE MOVING!!! – Now that I have a new job, which is only about three blocks away from Dani’s job, we decided a move was in order. We got an apartment in Walnut Creek, just North East of Berkeley. It’s sort of like Orange County, but with liberals. The apartment is kinda cute, complete with a WASHER/DRYER (this is HUGE) and located about 1.3 miles from work as the Mapquest flies. This means I get to bike to work (YAY!) and not spend 45-minutes commuting each way each day. I don’t know what I’ll do with the extra time.

So, given all this, I think you can get a feeling for why I’ve been silent. But, hey, drop me a line anyway and I do swear I’ll get back to you soon.

Oh, and I do still promise the following:

  • Complete update on the new job – what I do, where I am and, if you’re good, pictures of my office! I HAVE AN OFFICE!!!!.
  • The pictures from Mexico. Yeah, I know it’s been months, but these things take time. Freakin’ photo perfectionists…
  • State of the Rob. You’ve got the quick summary, soon you’ll get the full story.
  • Whatever else I’ve promised all of you individual people. DJ web sites! Email conversations! Picture sets! Time should stop being such a big issue soon!!!

Rap atya soon!

Post Navidad Depression

Post Navidad Depression

Christmas was good — we went to the in-laws and were surrounded by wonderful friends and family. As the carnivores ate their SUPER expensive and, we assume, madcow-free standing rib roast, I dined on a fine piece of sashimi-grade ahi seared lightly on each side. All was good. Got a way nifty shirt with batik print on it and new cookware from the in-laws and a way cool Gameboy with Super Mario World 3 and Zelda from my lovely wife. I’m so the 12-year-old this year.

But, here it is, Dec. 26th, and I’m back at work for the ONE DAY between Christmas and the weekend. I know that folks who work retail often must work on days like today as a majority of the non-retail world has the day off and wants to spend their Christmas money to buy half-priced candy canes. But I’m in the minority of the non-retail world that fears the loss of my 8-10 hours would negatively affect the company’s bottom line. Never mind that, because so many folks are on vacation right now, there’s really not a whole hell of a lot to do. I could leave early, but the warden has a habit of walking the halls under the guise of handing out holiday treats with the real intention of noting who has left early. Oh to work for a company where employees are valued as contributors to the team rather than just resources to be managed.

But, at least I’m surrounded by some talented students whose artwork adorns our otherwise sterile hallways. The graduate school features much of their students’ work on the walls of my floor, so we’re treated to some extremely mature talent. Amongst the work displayed are several storyboards from a couple of animation students who could really give the folks at Disney a run for their money. My favorite is for an animated feature that tells the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice, which speaks to my classical background. I’d love to see more of the old myths told in animated form (Hercules was good and cute, but WAY too Disneyfied). Unfortunately, my reptilian mind often outweighs my appreciation for artistic talent, as I can’t help but pass the storyboard each day without thinking, “Dude, Eurydice is stacked!”

C’est la vie. Hope you’re having a Merry post-Christmas, enjoying your new toys and the warmth of family while those of us chained to the mines continue our work to better society by ensuring our website backgrounds remain just the right shade of red on every monitor (#FF0000, for the record).

Merry *cough* Christmas

It’s that time of year again, folks. The time when you pass strangers on the street hocking up lung biscuits. The time when the hospital’s emergency rooms are full of people who don’t quite grasp the concept that a viral infection can’t be fought with antibiotics. The time when the warmth of the season is expressed through 102 degree fevers.

That’s right, it’s flu season and I, your humble narrator, was standing right in front of the blinding lights of the semi that is this year’s nasty, yet fashionable, strain. My sinuses feel like I’ve been running lemon juice through them for a month. Bleah. I’m over the worst part of it, but I still feel like crap.

This also happens to be the time of year when I make my annual deal with Satan Dani in regards to the Christmas cards – she’ll write, address, stamp and send them out if I write the annual Christmas letter. We began this tradition in 2001, which may have been the worst possible year to write such a letter, considering Sept. 11 and my subsequent unemployment. I remember sitting down in front of the computer, preparing to write a standard, “This is what happened this year” type of letter and not at all being able to think of anything positive to say. After several false starts, I decided to just be myself and write what I was feeling.

You need to understand here that this letter goes out to practically everyone in our family, including the more, shall we say, conservative members. After being subjected to letter after letter about little Bobby or Becky’s successes in school and on the soccer team, I think our letter stood out for most of our recipients. Many of them indicated as much and told me how much they enjoyed it. Which, of course, put me in a rather tricky predicament with the letter for 2002.

So, now it’s 2003 and another weird year has flown by. And a good year it’s been. Well, see for yourself:


Dear friends and family,

As you know, this was supposed to be the year of the big wedding, when two individuals who couldn’t be more perfect for each other would finally, after long last, come together in holy matrimony. As you may have heard, however, the entire thing was fraught with complications. In the final analysis, it was obvious there was no chance of it lasting. Such a shame. I really had the highest of hopes for Jennifer and Ben.

Oh, yeah, Danielle and I got married this year as well. Not to each other, of course — she’s milking some rich old man dry while I earned some money helping a nice Czechoslovakian woman get her green card — though we still maintain a shockingly illicit affair on the side.

Actually, all joking aside, our wedding (yes, to each other) was, without question, the brightest moment of my life so far. Not only did I marry the woman of my dreams, but there is no greater feeling in the world than being surrounded by 100 of your nearest and dearest, all beaming with pure love, affection and hope. I’m just glad I didn’t have to wait until my deathbed to experience that. Thank you to everyone who made our wedding so special. I don’t think we could have asked for a more perfect day.

OK, back to our regularly scheduled programming. After getting hitched, the two of us fled to Mexico, where the warmth of the friendly natives was matched only by the burning of the tequila trickling down our throats. After much haggling and abortive attempts in speaking the native language, we were able to negotiate our way into our resort. There was apparently something lost in the translation, though, as we ended up washing dishes for the week. The dishwater was the most amazing blue.

We stayed in a resort by the name of “El Dorado Royale” (Translation: “Buy a timeshare or my children will starve”) along the Mayan Coast between the ancient ruins of Tulum and the cerveza-soaked streets of Cancun. It was a wonderful experience soaking up the local culture (i.e. tequila), meeting new people (“Would you like a another tequila, senor?”) and learning a different language (i.e. “Tequila”, which, apparently, means “hello”). More stories and pictures of our honeymoon can be found online at http://www.robzazueta.com/wedding/honeymoon/. Your local obscenity laws may apply.

There’s really not much to say about the rest of the year. Danielle started a new job as an assistant loan officer for a mortgage brokerage while I still while away my hours building websites for art students. Everything else seems overshadowed by the joys of finally, at long last, being married. Next stop: kidsville. That panicked scream you just heard was Danielle’s.

All of our love and holiday wishes.

Danielle and Rob Zazueta

Winner of the Robby(TM) Album of the Year Award

While you wait for the pics from Mexico, you should break my RIAA boycott for a day and go grab a copy of “Songs for the Deaf” by Queens of the Stoneage. I bought it several months ago and it is, by far, the best album I’ve bought in a long, long time. Amazingly tight and fluid and just one helluva great rocker.

Rob Z. gives it a thumbs up for album of the year.