It’s that time of year again. Time for songs about snow played in malls that rarely see rain, time for the local newspaper to post screaming, 72 pt. font headlines warning about a killing frost, and time for the annual (kinda) Zazueta family Christmas letter.

We actually lost the cards last year, so no cards nor letter went out, which is rather sad. Add to the fact that the holidays lately make me just a bit sadder now that Mom’s gone, that things start getting frantic around here around December 1st now that we own a home to prepare for the onslaught of holiday visitors, AND both Danielle and I work full time from home, and you can see how, even if we hadn’t lost them, they probably wouldn’t have gotten out until some time in mid-July. It’s a bloody miracle these are going out now as it is, thanks entirely to my wonderful wife who is slowly, but surely, helping bring some organization into my life.

As you know, Dani and I have an agreement - she addresses, signs, stamps, seals and mails the cards, I write the letter. Fair and balanced.

So, sit back, grab a cup of cocoa and your loved ones and see what the Zazuetas have cooked up for this year. And, if you’re feeling extra randy, you can check out our previous letters:  2005 (Warning: this one’s a downer), 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001.

Dear Family and Friends,

I missed you. Did you miss me? Of course you did.

So, we skipped a year. When you find out why, perhaps you’ll stop the angry phone calls, letters, emails and singing telegrams (Clever rhyme for “brass pole” there, Aunt Clara. You kiss Uncle Ricky with that mouth?) The reason you missed your letter last year can be summed up in one word: Wolves.

That’s right, wolves ate your Christmas card. I blame Al Gore and the Republican party. Back in 2000, if the Republicans hadn’t, um… let’s say “taken” the presidency during that whole kerfluffle, Al Gore would probably be president today. And, as we all know, once you become president, you become powerless, mired in partisan infighting and hamstrung by the constant need to please every side.

With all the extra free time Al Gore had after losing his shot at the Whitehouse, he was able to focus on his hobbies - oil painting, macrame and global warming. After winning the blue ribbon at the county fair two years in a row in both “Arts” and “Crafts”, he decided it was time to focus on that third hobby and see what he could win there. Sure, he got the Nobel and won an Oscar for his documentary, but that blue ribbon for “Politically Charged Environmental Ideology” still eludes him.

Regardless, he studied global warming and, as we all know, acknowledging something makes it real so, Q.E.D, Al Gore is responsible for global warming. When our Christmas cards went missing last year (they were signed, sealed, but not stamped, then - poof - missing!), though I had absolutely no empirical evidence to support my claim, there was no indication that it had not been wolves. So the only logical conclusion I can come to is that wolves ate your Christmas card, which is clearly Al Gore’s fault since everything can be blamed on global warming. It is all so obvious when you sit down and think about it.

So, assuming this year’s letter actually makes it to the mailbox with a stamp on it and isn’t waylayed by, oh, I dunno, KILLER BEES, both Danielle and I wish you a very happy holidays and hopes for a glorious new year.

Love,

Danielle and Rob
Zazueta