I work on the same block as the legendary Jeffrey’s Toys [WARNING: stupid web tricks ahead]. They’re legendary because anyone who has worked in downtown SF knows of them. They tend to cater to a slightly higher-end market than, say, the grammatically challenged Toys ‘R Us, carrying many collector-quality items. If you read Toyfare magazine, you’ll probably find about 60-70% of the items listed in there at Jeffrey’s.

Amongst these are the weird little collector imports. For instance, Jeffrey’s is the only place I know of that carries Kinder Surprise Eggs. If you have never experienced these, then you have not experienced joy. The chocolate is kinda weak, but the toy is a blast. It’s what Cracker Jack toys used to be before corporate downsizing turned them into a sticker and tattoo clearing house.

You can also get Lucky Bears there (click that link if you ever wondered where cheap Japanese knockoff toys come from), which are knockoffs of Be@rbricks (more on that) and MusicKids (sorry, no link) which follow the same genre but represent different music fans.

The genre, by the way, is essentially this: Each item, be it a bear, music kid, or some other weird thing, comes in a sealed box. You have no clue what you’re getting, but you’re guaranteed that it will be one in the series. For the bears, the series typically consists of the same bear body decorated in different ways, described as “animal”, “cute”, “love”, etc. For the other toys, it may just be something representing the area the it represents (in the case of music kids, I now own the “Rock” and “Classical” kids). When you open the box, you find out which whatever you got as well as a card that describes how rare each one is.

I’m not having the greatest day today (save yourself — never ask me how my job is going) so, to cheer myself up, I bought the whole complement of collectibles that Jeffrey has: a MusicKid, a Lucky Bear and the ever-elusive Be@rbrick.

This is my first Be@rbrick, and, I must say, the knockoff seems cooler to me. I got the Series 4 “Cute” bear (what is up with the Japanese obsession with cute, anyway? And how does it play into their predilection for pedophilia and soiled panties?) which is kinda groovy but, honestly, is no way as cool as the Lucky Bear “Animal” I got, which looks like a bear dressed as a tiger dressed as Tarzan. It’s one redeeming quality, however, is the cryptic phrase found on both the box and on a sticker on the back of the bear itself. Observe:

(-0-)b Feel it!! That’s the evangel of a global size grandslam of excitement striking your all five senses! ~(-0-~)(~-0-)~ Check the code name=Series 4! (*OoO*)>’ Start the bombing of Mega coquettish bombs to all over the world! (/–)/)))))))))))))))))))))))[little bomb symbol]

See, I feel it, but I thought it was just indigestion. Knowing now that it’s the evangel (?) of a global size grandslam of excitement, I’m not feeling so safe. Especially when Japanese children everywhere start carpet bombing me with large yet still somehow coy bombs. Coy bomb. Koi bomb. Fish bomb. Somehow, that makes more sense.

So C+ on the Be@rbrick but A- for the wording that goes with it. For great justice! Someone set up us the coquettish bomb!