So I was watching one of Dani’s favorite movies the other night - Valmont - as she fell asleep in my lap. As I’m watching this, I’m struck by one particular scene.

No, not that one.

Not that one either.

No, you probably missed the scene that struck me. It was one where Msr. Valmont was entering some home (can’t keep all those french people straight) and a servant-type guy was hanging out with his buddies. Upon seeing Valmont, he rushes up and asks, “Missoir Valmont, would you like me to announce you?” Valmont waved him off.

Now, I’m pretty sure the guy doing the asking was some kind of a house servant, but the funny thought crossed my mind that he may actually be the 18th century equivalent of the squeegee guys who “clean” your windshield at stop signs and ask for money.

Then I thought, “Huh, what a great idea.” And it all went downhill from there. I was considering keeping this secret, but as my groggy wife pointed out to me as I woke her up to share it with her, I lack that thing in my brain that allows me to not fear embarrassment, so I’ll probably never do it myself.

Are you ready? This could be a big moneymaker!

Here it is: Freelance Crying. Not like “waaahhh” crying, but like a town crier. Here’s how it works:

1. Get yourself a fancy uniform, but not one that will get you sued by the Sir Francis Drake hotel.
2. Go to some place where you expect to find reasonably wealthy, self-important people. San Francisco’s financial district is crawling with these types.
3. Stand in front of an establishment frequented by these folks. I recommend a Starbucks.
4. Tell each person entering that, for a certain fee, you’ll happily announce their arrival. I recommend between $10 and $20. $20 is preferred as you probably won’t need to make change.
5. When you get a taker, Ask them some important information about them or anything they’d like to have announced. It’s important they get their money’s worth.
6. Open the door and enter before them with your announcement. Here’s an example:
   

   “Attention ye who have gathered at this humble Starbucks. I swell with pride to announce the arrival of Sir Edgar Simmons who doth hail from the eastern shores of our fine bay in the hamlet of Walnut Creek. Make way for Master Simmons.”

7. I’d recommend moving on to another joint (like the Starbucks on the next block) ’cause it’d be too easy to overdo this sort of thing.

You can feel free to add your own flourishes. I have many kazoos I’d be willing to part with should you decide you need some sort of device to calm the herd. And make sure you wear appropriate garb - you not only must standout from the pan handlers that will open a door for a quarter, but you want to ensure you best represent your customers in the manner in which they have become accustomed. I recommend breeches and a tudor hat.

Here is what I ask for in exchange for giving away my sooper sekrit easy guide to quick riches: I want photos or (preferably) video of you and your cohorts in action. After laughing my ass off at them and sharing them with my friends, I shall post them here for all to see. Send all such footage with details to towncrier@robzazueta.com. I look forward to it.