Revenge Of The Infamous Christmas Letter

It’s that time of year again, folks. Time for “little people” everywhere to dress in green and get their moment in the sun, then get exploited by TLC. Time for us to ponder how much of that stuff in our glass is egg, how much is nog and how much is just off-colored rum. And, of course, time for the annual Zazueta Family Christmas Letter

This is a rather special year as it’s the first one that has featured the latest addition our family – the ants in our pantry Dustin. You’re saying to yourself, “Wasn’t he born in October of 2008? Why didn’t you mention him in last year’s letter?” The answer: Did you remember to buy him a birthday present? I mean, clearly, you remembered his birthday. That’s probably why he cries all the time, you heartless, selfish bastard.

Dustin actually was mentioned in last year’s letter, it just… never got sent out. But we rectified that this year. So sit back, relax, grab a glass of nog-flavored rum and enjoy once again the magic of a Zazueta Family Christmas (without special guest Conway Twitty). Here are links to previous years: 2007, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001.

Christmas, 2009

Dear Friends and Family,

Hi! Remember us? Neither do we.

As you know, 2008 was our year of the monkey, which means we went a little bananas. Having a new addition to the house was a challenge we met head on, like a deer facing a semi. I actually wrote a Christmas letter, but it somehow got lost under piles of dirty diapers and baby puke. I recently unearthed it, disinfected it and have now included it as part of this year’s mailing, which means you get TWO letters for the price of ONE! Considering you didn’t pay for either of them, that’s a heck of a bargain. I’m all about value.

So,  scroll down and read the other letter first so you’re all caught up and we’re in proper chronological order. I’ll wait.

Are you done yet? I don’t have all day here, people.

So, 2009: Some time around April, we actually got a chance to fall asleep for more than two hours without interruption. Having forgotten the sensation of a blissful sleep, Danielle and I awoke to ask, “What was THAT all about?” At around the same time, Dustin went from being a needy, whining, attention-starved amorphous blob to a needy, whining, attention-starved, semi-defined blob who crawled away from us giggling after spilling something else on the carpet. It turns out we didn’t produce a child – we gave birth to a gremlin. He’s walking now, which means he can now create mischief more efficiently and on a larger scale. Everyone needs goals.

One fine day in August, Danielle and I caught what may very well be the most horrifying show on television – TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras”. After spending an hour judgmentally decrying the disconcerting display of stage parents attempting to capture some sense of fleeting self-worth by living vicariously through their poor, over-primped, over-mascaraed children (“My God, that three-year-old is dressed like a hooker!”), we entered our son in the California Tropic Children’s Pageant, where he was crowned “Holiday King”. Ah, hypocrisy.

Other things happened too – I started a new job that I love, Danielle is exploring nursing school and we upgraded our cellphone plans. I’d go into more detail, but the Holiday King has soiled himself and needs to be changed.

Have a great holiday season and a warm and prosperous New Year!

Love,
Danielle, Dustin and Rob Zazueta

* * *

Christmas, 2008

Dear Friends and Family,

We’re exhausted. Like really, really exhausted. A couple of months ago, we let this house guest crash at our place for a while. He said it would only be for a couple of weeks, but you know how that goes. At first it was no big deal – he kept mostly to himself and, aside from mooching from our food supply, was really not a problem. Then he started staying up all night, making all kinds of noise. His demands on us have been increasing, constantly whining and crying for attention. I’ve suggested to him that, maybe, he should get a job and help out around here. In response, he peed on me. Now we come to find out he’ll be sticking around for at least 18 years! This is the last time we open our house to a stranger.

As you probably know by now, our little Dustin Robert Zazueta was born on October 18th in Walnut Creek and is just as perfect as perfect could possibly be. He’s already started smiling at us as a defense against our selling him to the gypsies after a six-hour crying binge. This year, he helped take his soccer team to the finals while getting all ‘A’s on his report card. We were so proud when he won first place in the county science fair and are thrilled that he’s been accepted to Yale in the fall. They grow up so fast.

Danielle has recovered nicely from the delivery and is already planning my vasectomy while seeking adoption sources for the next kid. She is an incredibly loving mother and it’s so endearing to see the two of them conspire against me.

For my part, I’ve learned quickly the meaning of his various cries and how to soothe him. Sometimes he just needs a bottle. Sometimes he just needs to be wrapped in a blanket. Sometimes he just needs to watch me dance the salsa to contemporary latin jazz fusion while he keeps rhythm with his rattle. Figuring all of these things out has taken quite a bit of trial and error… and dance lessons.

The changes a new child has brought to our lifestyle are extraordinary. Everything takes five times longer to accomplish. For example, we started addressing these Christmas letters in June. You’ll be lucky if you receive them by March. And, with the sleep deprivation, for all we know it’s already May.

So, as you tuck yourself and your loved ones into bed tonight, drifting off into your peaceful, dreaming slumber, count all the blessings life has given you and know we’re still awake, seething with red hot jealousy that you actually get to sleep.

Have a wonderful Christmas and joyous and prosperous New Year!

Love,
Danielle, Dustin and Rob Zazueta

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  1. Pingback: The Occasional Annual Christmas Letter! | RobZazueta.comRobZazueta.com

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