To the Trumpeting of Kazoos!

So I was watching one of Dani’s favorite movies the other night – Valmont – as she fell asleep in my lap. As I’m watching this, I’m struck by one particular scene.

No, not that one.

Not that one either.

No, you probably missed the scene that struck me. It was one where Msr. Valmont was entering some home (can’t keep all those french people straight) and a servant-type guy was hanging out with his buddies. Upon seeing Valmont, he rushes up and asks, “Missoir Valmont, would you like me to announce you?” Valmont waved him off.

Now, I’m pretty sure the guy doing the asking was some kind of a house servant, but the funny thought crossed my mind that he may actually be the 18th century equivalent of the squeegee guys who “clean” your windshield at stop signs and ask for money.

Then I thought, “Huh, what a great idea.” And it all went downhill from there. I was considering keeping this secret, but as my groggy wife pointed out to me as I woke her up to share it with her, I lack that thing in my brain that allows me to not fear embarrassment, so I’ll probably never do it myself.

Are you ready? This could be a big moneymaker!

Here it is: Freelance Crying. Not like “waaahhh” crying, but like a town crier. Here’s how it works:

  1. Get yourself a fancy uniform, but not one that will get you sued by the Sir Francis Drake hotel.
  2. Go to some place where you expect to find reasonably wealthy, self-important people. San Francisco’s financial district is crawling with these types.
  3. Stand in front of an establishment frequented by these folks. I recommend a Starbucks.
  4. Tell each person entering that, for a certain fee, you’ll happily announce their arrival. I recommend between $10 and $20. $20 is preferred as you probably won’t need to make change.
  5. When you get a taker, Ask them some important information about them or anything they’d like to have announced. It’s important they get their money’s worth.
  6. Open the door and enter before them with your announcement. Here’s an example:

    “Attention ye who have gathered at this humble Starbucks. I swell with pride to announce the arrival of Sir Edgar Simmons who doth hail from the eastern shores of our fine bay in the hamlet of Walnut Creek. Make way for Master Simmons.”

  7. I’d recommend moving on to another joint (like the Starbucks on the next block) ’cause it’d be too easy to overdo this sort of thing.

You can feel free to add your own flourishes. I have many kazoos I’d be willing to part with should you decide you need some sort of device to calm the herd. And make sure you wear appropriate garb – you not only must standout from the pan handlers that will open a door for a quarter, but you want to ensure you best represent your customers in the manner in which they have become accustomed. I recommend breeches and a tudor hat.

Here is what I ask for in exchange for giving away my sooper sekrit easy guide to quick riches: I want photos or (preferably) video of you and your cohorts in action. After laughing my ass off at them and sharing them with my friends, I shall post them here for all to see. Send all such footage with details to towncrier@robzazueta.com. I look forward to it.

Trading My Passion for Glory

The URL indicates a Starbucks tie-in, but this still seems oddly lame to me. I mean, you can only hear “Eye of the Tiger” so many times in one sitting.

For the record, I suggested “Bright Future in Sales” [iTunes link] by Fountains of Wayne. Seemed a good fit.

PDAs Still Immature.

Back in the wet and wooly heyday of the dotcom, PDAs were the de rigeur accessory. It was a major perk to have your company purchase one as part of your employment and, in some cases, the PDA *actually* became yours when you decided to leave for a higher-paying gig.

When the last dotcom I worked for died its ignoble death, I purchased two Casio Cassiopeia E-125s for $50 each from the internal fire sale. At the time, that was a steal as they were less than a year on the market and close to top of the line. But they’re frickin’ bricks. After one screen cracked, I put the second one into service. Now, three years later, it too is showing signs of death. So I’ve been considering a new PDA. Thing is, I don’t think I’ll be getting one.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re convenient as hell. When I was using the Cassiopeia I relied on it to make sure I knew where I was and where I was going. I’m notoriously disorganized and that little baby brought some semblance of order into my chaotic existence. But it had one *major* flaw – it’s not upgradeable. At all. The ROM is not flashable. I couldn’t even install Pocket Linux on it.

At the time, I ascribed this to the immaturity of the PDA and figured that, very soon, these devices would go the way of PCs and be standardized enough that upgradability wouldn’t be a hassle. Silly me.

I’ve had my eye on Dell’s Axim and the iPaq for a while now. I’ve also been considering the Toshiba devices, but I’ve heard some rumors that they may not be long for this world. The decision to not provide an OS upgrade for devices that are no more than a year old is mind boggling to me. The fact that my device will literally be obsolete the moment I purchase it harkens back to the dark ages of computing, a time I had hoped we’d left behind. In the very least, they should make the ROM flashable so that, should I choose to replace the OS with something else, I would have that freedom. Of course, the new world order states that I don’t technically own *anything* I purchase anymore – it’s all licensed to me and, thanks to the DMCA, I’m powerless against it – so that’s pretty moot.

So the other obvious option is to go with a Palm device. And that’s still looking like a pretty attractive option, especially after I had a chance a year or so ago to play with the Zire 72 (which is now way cooler as the Zire 75) but with all the weirdness between the Palm hardware folks and Palm software folks I’m afraid they’ll go the same way as the PocketPC. Plus, as much as I hate to admit it, the PocketPC just feels better to me. I never could get use to the Palm for some reason. It always felt flimsy to me.

My last option is a DayRunner, which makes me feel so “Less Than Zero” 80s. Have you taken a look at the prices for these things? Forty-five bucks for a six-inch binder and a calendar? For $99 I can get the low-end Palm Zire 21, which feels like a Palm III which puts me back in the good ol’ days of pre-obsolescence and a flimsy-feeling OS.

So, if I happen to forget a meeting I have planned with you or don’t return a phone call because I’ve lost your number, try to show pity and remember it’s not my fault. Blame technology, not my inherent flakiness. That’s an entirely different issue altogether.

Wildly Underserved Market

I attended a focus group last night as a participant and was greeted by an epiphany that I keep having over and over: there is a shockingly untapped market out there for folks who can take the intimidation out of computers.

I’ve been doing the computer thing since I was 10, so I’ve developed an inherent ability to quickly understand and assimilate new computer-related technologies. As a result, it really seems very simple to me, but a large part of that is a lack of intimidation on my part. Because I so clearly understand most of the underlying principles of most computer hardware and software, there’s very little mystery left. But for a surprisingly large part of the populace, computers are still voodoo. Were our society a bit more superstitious, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to find small altars erected around most home machines complete with offerings intended to please the god Runtime Error.

A lot of the voodoo is really the fault of myself and folks in my industry. IT folks are not that much different from the Masons when you get right down to it. Freemasons were originally a guild of – you guessed it – stone masons that really had nothing to do with old guys in fezzes riding around in go-karts. They formed together to share ideas and secrets of an art that, at the time, was not at all accessible to the general public. Chief amongst these secrets was that of the arches so prevalent in cathedrals built during the time. Masons developed their own signs, symbols and languages to securely pass along their secrets to the worthy. After many years and generations, the result is a secretive, mythologized society that bears little resemblance to the original.

IT workers like to talk in acronyms and technical jargon. Sit four people at a table – two techies and their non-techie spouses, which seems to be a common enough situation – and the language of the techies will bear little resemblance to that of the non-techies. I find that, when two techies meet for the first time, they spend at least five minutes subtly quizzing one another to size each other up. It often starts rather innocently: “Oh, you’re a sysadmin? What are you guys running on?” The way that question is answered can be more informative than the answer itself. For instance, if the answer focuses on the big iron (“We have a few racks of Sun blades with a fiber backend.”) you’re dealing with a hardware geek. If it focuses on the operating system (“We’re a strictly Debian shop, though we’re still on the 2.4.2 kernel.”) then you have yourself a software geek who may not get the big iron questions. Of course, if the answer is “Windows” any IT geek with more than an ounce of elitism will end the conversation there, unless the response came in the form of an apology.

And it goes on from there. They’ll start getting into the specifics (which model, version, kernel, etc.) and push until either one of them reaches the “I don’t know stage” or they come to some mutual geek respect. More often than not, though, it’s a display not unlike the dominance rituals of mountain gorillas. More often than not one of them will fight until they are declared the silverback alpha, even if it’s simply the backing down of their opponent. Both Diane Fossey AND Jane Goodall would have a field day observing the rituals of a group of tech geeks.

The point I’m making (and I do have one) is that the technical elitism so inherent in our culture completely alienates average folks, potentially discouraging someone with a genuine interest in technology from ever taking that first step into the chasm. And just think how total non-techies must feel! Voodoo indeed.

For some, this is OK. I used to feel this way too. I’ve read various entries in the blogosphere that have called for licensing of Internet users to weed out the dumb ones and, theoretically, prevent the constant spread of malware, adware, worms and viruses. There are two problems with this. First off, there’s no guarantee that would halt the spread of such malicious programs. How many worms have we seen spread simply because some lazy sysadmins left an unessential port open to the wild? It’s not just the non-techs who are at fault.

The other problem with limiting access to the web is that users of all stripes are our bread and butter. Before 1994, when the Internet was opened up to private enterprise, the web was a pretty boring place. Granted, it was only a year or so old, but other technologies, like Gopher, Email, Finger, Usenet, etc., were extremely limiting. It was a great place for a geek to talk to other geeks, but that was pretty much it. It wasn’t until private entrepreneurs came along and had a chance to turn the potential of the Internet’s connectivity into the grand moneymaker we all know and love. Without the non-tech folks who many scream are making our lives damn near unlivable, we’d all be out of work. Keep in mind that, just before the Internet was privatized, the outlook for engineers of all stripes was pretty damn bleak. I was told again and again as an undergrad in UC Berkeley Engineering program to make sure I had a backup as the unemployment rate amongst engineers was extremely high and competition was fierce. The Internet opened up a whole new field for us.

So here’s the next killer app: simplicity. Both the Windows and Mac operating systems were designed to make using the computer more accessible to the average user. But as more bells and whistles have been added, and more instabilities introduced, users have had a harder time doing even the simplest things. One of the things we discussed at the focus group last night was putting extended information from a billing statement onto a website where navigation would, theoretically, be easier to handle. The looks of fear I saw in the eyes of some of the folks in the room – intelligent, professional folks, by the way, some of whom weren’t much older than myself – really brought home the fact that the web is still a scary place for some folks. They’d much rather wade through page after page of detailed information by hand than try to find it on a website, even if the URL were short and the navigation simple. They are intimidated by the technology because they don’t understand it.

And it really doesn’t need to be this way. All of us in IT know how simple much of this stuff is. We also know that, really, you don’t need to understand the underlying mechanisms in order to make it work. But what happens when a new worm hits the net? We talk of firewalls and closing off ports and updating antivirus software and not opening strange attachments. And we all know what that means. We all know it’s easy to grab a piece of hardware, change the configuration, install a program and be wary of strange messages. But when you don’t know a firewall from a hub from a cat-5 cable, it’s expensive, strange voodoo. And, at some point, many folks just throw up their hands and walk away, never to return. That’s a lost customer. That’s a lost cause. And that’s a lost paycheck for us.

Rather than focus on adding more features to our already complex systems, we need to work on making the existing systems easier to use and deploy. Instead of having to buy a firewall and force the user to configure it according to some esoteric rules, have it autodiscover the network information and block certain ports based not on what daemons they plan on running, but on what they want to do with their machines. Instead of telling them to open port 80 if they want to run a webserver, ask if they plan on using their local computer to server web pages and set their firewall rules accordingly.

Of course, always include an “advanced” option for those folks who’d rather do it by hand. Nothing annoys me more than software that thinks it’s smarter than me. But for those folks for whom this is all greek, we need to really look at technology from their point of view and adjust our offerings accordingly. There’s a wildly untapped market for folks who can take the intimidation out of technology. It’s nice, ripe low fruit ready for the picking. I plan on grabbing some of that fruit myself. Who’s with me?

Genuinely Profound

One of the things I really like about Seth Godin is his ability to take somewhat complex ideas and industry-standard jingoism and boil it down to a pithy, yet totally insightful essence. From his Blog (emphasis mine):

“[Search Engine Optimizer]s are not a shortcut to success, at least not for 99% of the companies out there. You won’t win by fooling Google into listing you first for a common search term. You will win once you figure out the simple mechanics of turning strangers into friends and friends into customers.

Turning strangers into friends and friends into customers. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a better description of marketing’s purpose.